I haven’t written on this blog in a while.

A lot has changed. I will be honest, I don’t have the energy to summarize the gaps right now. I just need a source to vent, and this is what this blog has always been for me.

I work in IT support at a medium sized company. Lately, I have been thinking about work a lot, after I get home from work.

I don’t like that. I don’t want most of my time away from work, to be dedicated to de-stressing from work.

I want to feel the freedom I feel after I’ve finished a term in school. But honestly….even that, I would spend the entire break escaping from my stresses that plagued me, however I would think about things.

Right now, I have been developing a work relationship with my manager so we get along, which started really rough on the wrong foot as he was quite an asshole to me during my interview, the first day, and into the first week of my hiring. But I’m not sure why. As in, why I am trying to work things out with him. I feel like deep down he doesn’t deserve my respect, but I want to give it to him given some things I’ve noticed that he stresses about.

I can think of one striking reason. I’m afraid of him. I’m afraid of being under his thumb; or at least, feeling and seeming like I am under his thumb. The way he talks to most people about tickets they’re working on is really fucking condescending. During the first week, to combat it, I sort of gave a “great I understand, but jesus this is a bit much” tone–sort of “putting him in his place” if you will, in that I wasn’t going to tolerate the same type of criticism as he does to others.

And it’s worked — and I suppose, I feel slightly closer with him as coworkers now that he isn’t assuming the worst of my work like he can tend to do with others. I even think it’s affected how he views my other coworkers.

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But…I don’t really like him. But I want to – this is the conundrum I’m in. I feel like he’s partially conscious of what he’s doing.

But you know what? I think what bothers me more than anything is the uneasy feeling that I get, that there may be other coworkers that think I’m kissing up to him per se….

And when I think about that, I can’t help but think that I am. I did try to make sure that I was doing things how he wanted to an extent, after my trainer finished training me. This was partially because I knew that they had different ideas of how to do things, but..I also didn’t want him mad at me for doing things I was shown to do.

I want to feel like I’m doing the right thing. And that…is hard.

I feel like I need other people to tell me that I am doing the right thing.

Otherwise, I could be fucking up at any moment. It’s so scary. I feel like my life is a tightrope.

When my manager, or someone else with authority, challenges a decision I make, I ALWAYS second guess myself. Which, to an extent (and maybe phrased much differently) isn’t a bad thing. But I immediately go to a place that is like “why did you do that? You did the thing wrong. Bad you. You’re bad.”

This is how I’ve always been under authority. That is, unless it was my mom; then I’d vehemently, violently disagree and throw a tantrum.

And I suppose, throwing a tantrum would get me to lose my job…

But how do I throw a tantrum for myself? That is to say…

Give myself the power I advocated for myself with by throwing a tantrum?

I believe in myself. I believe that I can figure this out.

I believe God has a plan for me. I believe that Spirit will guide me. And/or; all of the above.

Love.