Philosophy

Did I mess up?

I am in a new roommate situation. I have moved to the Northeast part of town, into a three bedroom home, and I’ve moved in early before the lease has turned over. My roommates have allowed me in. I moved in early so I could move the majority of my belongings before I started school, and I’ve also started sleeping in my bedroom before the start of the month. (the previous person moved out a month before the lease ended)

 

One of my new roommates is already mad at me, and I’m a little scared. A lottle, super mega scared depending on how you look at it.

 

I feel like God thinks I’m more capable than I am, or that my body is simply not capable of handling this stress, and that in itself is God telling me that I’m actually not ready to be doing what I’m doing and I’m making a huge, monumental mistake.

 

It really feels like a huge mistake….

 

What a mistake…

 

A twelve month commitment to something I have never wanted to be a part of.

 

I fucking hate it.

 

I really really fucking hate it.

 

That is how I feel.

 

And I feel…alone, but not alone?

 

I don’t know how to describe this feeling.

 

But I feel hate again.

 

I want to be heard, and right now my roommate Tim is taking all that space with how he wants to be heard. And he communicates in a way that makes me really scared and hurt and fearful.

 

Sometimes, I feel like I can walk through it, like it doesn’t phase me.

 

Other times…I get angry inside. Especially since, so far, seems like he has extreme trouble telling people what he wants and how he feels, and then gets hurt really easily.

 

Right now, I feel like I have this door on the magma chamber that is how I feel, this intense fire of emotions that’s grown so strong over the past 6 years. When I went to the Mankind project, it was screaming but it wasn’t reaching my body as much, and wasn’t as much in anguish. Now, it feels like I’m nearly burning alive…and the only relief is a type of silence, where I can walk alone, on a road I feel I can own, that I haven’t had time for in a while.

 

Maybe I’ll go on a walk tonight, even if it’s so late in the evening.

 

 

..

 

 

I need it.

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Short check-in…

Oh hello world.

It’s been a bit of a minute. Still struggling, albeit a little differently than before. Beginning to question more and more of everything, while slowly doing some things. Although it almost feels like I’m doing nothing.

 

I just want to date someone. But I also am not ready. I just want a degree. But that’s years in the future. I just want to have sex. But I know that’s fundamentally, mostly coming from an insecure part of my sense of security, which has been really fractured as of late.

 

I blocked, via Facebook, phone, and email, my mother. I also blocked my dad’s email, although I only hid posts from him on Facebook (he has another account, and I forgot I added it a while ago) (didn’t realize it was him at first when I did).

 

I just…am exhausted. I am just…tired. I am…dead. I feel very dead.

And I need to be reborn. And I am SO fucking scared, because I have no idea how to do it in a way that will result in me loving myself for who I truly am.

 

So…

 

Wish me luck. I’m moving out of the apartment I’ve been living in, by myself, for a year and a half, into an Airbnb for a month, and then in October I move in with someone…or some people…to see what happens.

 

God, please guide me. Burst into my heart, and I will break all of my walls down for you so you can show me what I need to do, to be who you wrote me to be; that man which I see within me, looking at me, every day – the man that can truly take care of the child within me, and plan times to give my child self all the space in the world. My heart, my soul is an infinite chasm of safety, and God you are the heartstrings behind it all.

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A super late night.

It’s 5:10 am. I finally turned my light off around 30 minutes ago, took a shower an hour before that; but have been on reddit for the last half hour.

I might not be getting as great of grades as last quarter, but my grades are ok. But my spirit feels like it’s in shambles.

It’s starting to get lighter outside. The darkness is slowly creeping back into its place.

I’ve been going to sleep around this time for 3-4 days now. It’s been a while since I’ve fallen off this cliff, since I’ve scraped this familiar low, down toward the bottom of this deathly hole. I kept up on my tightrope for a while. But unfailingly, every time I slip off, I feel that much more scared, weaker, afraid than the last time.

Getting high (in this case, off of technology) still hasn’t got old.

 

And…

I am afraid…

 

I am afraid that with more and more sleep deprivation, I will eventually really screw up my heart. My physical heart, the one they talk about in medical school. (I tend to use heart in the writer’s metaphorical sense most of the time.) Last month, I had an appointment recently and my doctor told me that I should “watch” how my heart is doing, since it was fluttering (speeds up when I breathe in, slows down when I exhale) when I saw him. By my own account, I was in the middle of what I’d call a “half-day long panic attack” where I had, cemented in my mind, my upcoming online calculus quiz, and how desperate I was to get it right this time, and how scared I was to miss another quiz. The previous week I waited too long to take it, and wasn’t able to finish the quiz and got a 44%. Thankfully the lowest score is dropped; but my mind will stressfully motions to me: “well that means you HAVE to get a good grade on this one.”

 

I want to write more about this, but my body is falling asleep. (It is much brighter outside now…) But I do want to post this because I want to post more often anyhow – so I’ll just post this and chain it to another post to finish the thought I suppose.

 

 

…until next time.

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Whale.

Does anyone else still use “whale” unironically to mean “well” when they want to be cute? Or is it just me? Do I sound crazy? Or am I just stuck in 2009? Or both??


Wow my drafts folder is full.

A couple times, over the last month or so, I’ve made some gallant efforts to start writing posts; but my declining mental decisions have had me magnetically floundering off into binary binge land instead. (Was going to just say mental “state”, but my philosophies on willpower and psychology are changing. Not sure where I lie on the scale of choice versus hard obstacle. Seeing both as valid is hard.)


 

I am actually going to bed early today. (Note: relative to my usual time…)

I went to the ER last week; because, in short, my butt has been bleeding a lot when I poo over the last five years (yes, as in five rotations around the sun), and last week my excretions started to take the appearance of some highly experimental item off of the DQ secret menu. As such, I called urgent care to get an opinion, which referred me to my gastroenterologist, which told me I should probably get my butt straight to an ER doctor.

I’ve been under a lot of stress lately. School, school, school. Do I want to be in school? Not really sure anymore. I love the idea of a fancy degree and the implied success you get as you receive it – and the foreshadowed increased chances of getting a good non-trade job, inherently believed by many a red-blooded depressed middle-class Westerner.

But I talk and talk and change my mind and talk and change my mind again and talk some more about one thing…

A break.

Like a real, solid, break.

Something that most people could never DREAM of having. And that I feel guilty for even thinking about.

But for the first time, I realized recently, that I actually have the capability of doing it if I really wanted to…

I have the privilege of literally paying my own rent, feeding myself, living in my own studio, doing my laundry without really waiting for anyone, some spending money on the side…

All because, ironically, of the hard work my mom put into a college savings fund. That, for now (and for a while), will sustain me (and is) while I go to school.

And that being said, there’s the option of me withdrawing from it and using it for things other than school…

Like…for taking a break to focus on taking care of myself.

 

But…the thought makes me internally flinch.

Would I be disappointing her? Would I be disrespecting her?

Is it selfish of me to use her money to take time off school?

 

I think…ultimately, it doesn’t matter.

I just have to keep my intention intact. I’ve never been someone to excessively spend for things I don’t need. I just have to trust myself, and REALLY commit to taking care of myself.

If I end up healing and coming back refreshed, then you can’t put a price on that.

 

All I want to do is practice taking care of myself. My body is literally fucking crying out to me, and maybe I should start not just listening, but acting on it.

 

But in any case…I should start by going to bed lol.

 

sleeep-y tyme

 

sleeepery do

 

 

sleeeeeeeepery dooo-dah

 

sleep

 

slep

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I fucked up at my freelance job. Again.

More repeat offenses in the guilt book. More affected peoples…

….,,,,,!!!!!!!!!!!!111111!!!!!!!!1!1!


 

I am working for someone giving them basic IT advice, and I had them buy a 6 TB hard drive to copy over 5 TB of files to organize and look for duplicates for tomorrow so we could organize them in one go. Ideally, this would’ve made things faster.

However…

I told him he could buy a USB drive and use it with his USB 2.0 port…even though….

Even though, just googling USB 2.0 speeds….

moving 4 GB of files takes days…

DAYS…..

 

D A Y S

 

to move.

 

 

I don’t know why I didn’t catch this.

 

I did say it was a last resort, as I knew it’d be slow and to first look for  USB C – compatible drive with a Thunderbolt converter. (These are much faster transfer protocols.)

 

But I shouldn’t have even gave him the option of buying 3.0 or 2.0. As I explicitly did. Multiple times.

 

Fuck.

 

And it was at 11 PM at night when he started spam texting me that it wasn’t working, and that (like I should’ve known) his Mac was giving estimated completion times of upwards of 24 hours.

 

I really thought 12 hours would do it.

 

I really thought it would.

 

Fuck.

 

Damn.

 


 

Now what?

I see him tomorrow.  And this is after a couple months ago when I had him buy a laptop within his budget that was too slow to play Fortnite. Way too slow. And I apologized, and told him I would do some other things for free.

How can I prevent this?

I need to be more methodical.

But how?

 

 

How do I deal with myself right now?!

 

I have to be calm…

 

Take a couple breaths…

 

Take care of myself.

 

And then I can assess the damage.

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Going in strong…

Finals are tomorrow…

I have a chemistry final and a programming final. The programming test is done online, which is nice.

(Ironically, the test is supposed to be open to take until Thursday night, but the online window in the quizzing software closed Monday. My instructor responded to my email and said yeah it should be open still, and that he’d look into it..)

I know I’ll do ok, and I feel like at this point my score will drop the longer I stay up…so I should start going to bed.

I feel like I should write something longer because it’s WordPress (and that’s the social norms I’ve observed), but I don’t need to.

I’m just going to go to bed.

 

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I have finals this Wednesday.

And a couple assignments due before the end of the quarter.

And I don’t want to do anything.

I feel…like shit.

I know I’ll do them anyway, but I feel like shit. And it’s because I haven’t been taking care of myself. Even though I really have been trying. But I’m having such a hard time continuing to put in the necessary effort.

Tomorrow, I’m waking up super early no matter how tired I feel. I’ve been able to go to sleep earlier if I force myself to wake up early the day before, no matter what time I go to bed. And I’ll be done with my computer after this post. (Whenever that is..)

 


 

On another note – the past couple days, I’ve been thinking – and I don’t know if I want to continue going to college before I get a job programming. I want to earn more money so bad. I’ve been living off the bare minimum, and I have not been budgeting well at all. And I enjoy writing code that I care about. (Key words – care about..)

But I want to learn more, and broaden the tools I can use to find jobs. I want to be an informed citizen.

But to be honest, even though I’m not ready to date, I want to be more date-able sooner rather than later. I want to start a career and find the love of my life. Kind of.

And I also want to travel…

Want want want…

 

I don’t know what I want.

I do need to finish this quarter. And I do need to take care of myself. I can do that.

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