I am in a new roommate situation. I have moved to the Northeast part of town, into a three bedroom home, and I’ve moved in early before the lease has turned over. My roommates have allowed me in. I moved in early so I could move the majority of my belongings before I started school, and I’ve also started sleeping in my bedroom before the start of the month. (the previous person moved out a month before the lease ended)
One of my new roommates is already mad at me, and I’m a little scared. A lottle, super mega scared depending on how you look at it.
I feel like God thinks I’m more capable than I am, or that my body is simply not capable of handling this stress, and that in itself is God telling me that I’m actually not ready to be doing what I’m doing and I’m making a huge, monumental mistake.
It really feels like a huge mistake….
What a mistake…
A twelve month commitment to something I have never wanted to be a part of.
I fucking hate it.
I really really fucking hate it.
That is how I feel.
And I feel…alone, but not alone?
I don’t know how to describe this feeling.
But I feel hate again.
I want to be heard, and right now my roommate Tim is taking all that space with how he wants to be heard. And he communicates in a way that makes me really scared and hurt and fearful.
Sometimes, I feel like I can walk through it, like it doesn’t phase me.
Other times…I get angry inside. Especially since, so far, seems like he has extreme trouble telling people what he wants and how he feels, and then gets hurt really easily.
Right now, I feel like I have this door on the magma chamber that is how I feel, this intense fire of emotions that’s grown so strong over the past 6 years. When I went to the Mankind project, it was screaming but it wasn’t reaching my body as much, and wasn’t as much in anguish. Now, it feels like I’m nearly burning alive…and the only relief is a type of silence, where I can walk alone, on a road I feel I can own, that I haven’t had time for in a while.
Maybe I’ll go on a walk tonight, even if it’s so late in the evening.
I need it.