I am exhausted.

I am exhausted

I am also agitated at myself.

I feel impatient.

I feel stressed.

I feel flushed.

I feel injected with hormones.

I feel in love.

I feel hopeless.

I feel stubborn.

I feel helpless.

I feel afraid.

I feel afraid of being forever alone.

……

I….

Am feeling constantly shifting versions of these things in my head.

I have what I want but I also feel like I’m killing myself.

And I feel like when I’m not killing myself I feel unhappy.

I feel happy when I’m…killing myself.

I feel unhappy when I’m existing in my current state.

I feel so fucking behind, Jackie.

I feel so fucking behind.

I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.

I’m just so lost.

I’m so fucking lost.

I want a woman, and I’m afraid of men.

And I feel like my future will never be cool.

“I’ll never meet a woman.” I’ll never find a girl I’m IN LOVE with. THAT’s what my mind says.

But it’s all made up.

Time is not determined in my mind. I can’t create it in my mind. I can’t suspend it. I must let go…of the fantasy…